Do we actively listen.....

Are some of us better communicators? Do we actively listen? Are we using effective communication in our lives and our close relationships? Do we truly listen to those around us? Well, I realized once I began studying what “active” listening meant, I knew I had a little practice needed. I know I have mentioned this before, but it really does make a lot of sense …this active listening thing lol. I thought I listened. But my oldest son once said to me that I was not a good listener and it hurt my pride. I thought long and hard and realized he was right. I tended to do that stupid multi-tasking trait of mine when he would tell a story. Then, I would ask him a question and he said I mentioned that mom. I want to be a good listener and want to actively engage with others. We cannot fully comprehend and give good meaning to a conversation if we are not actively listening. Actively listening is to make a conscious effort to hear, understand, and retain all that is being said in the conversation. This cannot happen if I am checking my phone, stirring the sauce while adding seasoning, or washing dishes. Now, we all do this type of multitasking, and it is perfectly okay if it is daily conversation that is what we might call a check-in, and or small talk such as “How was your day,” does not necessarily mean we stop what we are doing and stand at full attention. If someone answers, it was completely one of the best days of my life,” that should call for complete active listening conversation. Do we do this? Truly, give this person our full attention? Hopefully, we do. Since I have been going through psychology and coaching classes, active listening is a must to be a great communicator. Many relationships suffer due to poor communication. It has been noted that most marital problems are based on poor communication so therefore the feeling of loss connection takes over. Now that does not mean that communication is the answer to all the problems in a marriage but could be a start. So, while communication skills do not guarantee a happy relationship, there is plenty of research out there that support effective communication skills in any relationship will definitely help in a number of ways. Being fully listened to makes us all feel more important to the other individual. This could be a conversation with a child, friend, spouse, co-worker, or client. We can improve our lives with showing the simple use of actively listening. Active listening can help us collaborate more effectively, reduce misunderstandings, wasted work, negotiate more effectively, build more successful working relationships, and make a better impression on the people you work with. All good things! And some of you with small grandchildren, could be demonstrating your active listening skills and encourage them to do the same. We all know that being a better communicator will benefit them later on in life.

Here are a few pointers for helping us in our daily lives that seem to be very common sense but just maybe just as a reminder to do a re-check or re-boot on our own skills.

Tips for good ole active listening:

Make eye contact, nod when appropriate, and give small verbal comments like saying yes, or a simple nod.

Try not to interrupt to reiterate something they just said though. This might seem like a good way to show your engagement, it can derail the conversation. I have also lost my train of thought when someone has interrupted, or I have interrupted them!

Do not interrupt them, even if you are slightly bored!!!! Do not change the subject. I have done this, and it is appalling and makes you feel like a heal. I am in a hurry, and someone has started telling me a story and I changed the subject. Not good. I was in a hurry but realized I should simply suggest that I want to hear what happened, but can I call you back. I did practice this, and it was so much better. I had a friend who called and was upset with her husband. I was listening and helping with her but mentioned that I needed to go that I had to be somewhere in 20 minutes. She fully understood and I sent her a text later to check on her. She was okay. I am really working on the active listening thing lol.

Offer feedback. When the opportunity comes up, you will be able to offer insightful feedback on what was said. This might take the form of reflecting on what was said, asking follow-up questions, or offering your own perspective.

Active listening can avoid that deer-in-the-headlights feeling that can happen when someone asks, “What do you think?” If you have been actively listening, you’ll be ready to respond thoughtfully. I have had this happen to me and feel like a dumb butt.

Don’t jump to conclusions! We are not a mind-readers, and neither is the person talking to us. If you find yourself becoming upset about what’s being said, ask for clarification. Go ahead and repeat back, and say I just want to clarify, is this what you are saying?” By giving them a chance to rephrase or clarify, you avoid making unfair assumptions. Unfortunately, this is how people can have huge misunderstandings by simply not getting the story correct.

Active listening takes practice, I know, I have been trying for the last year to fully engage. Not always easy, I must admit.

All in all, active listening will build better relationships in our lives which will have a positive impact on our happiness and well- being.

On a different note, my son Preston came over to celebrate his birthday which was on July 19, he wanted to cook a Jackfruit. I had heard of but never tried. It was quite good. We cooked on the grill. We sliced (or hacked open with his parang) and took out the seeds and scooped out the “meat” of the big melon like thing with spikes on it. Both my boys have huge food repertoires. When I sent a video to my youngest son, who is a vegetarian, his wife said Oh we cooked two nights ago. I am amazed how both of them will try almost anything. We both served with tortillas but some eat like a pulled pork sandwich. I thought it was much better than expected. It was quite delightful. Never too old to try new things. I know you have heard that before. We are never too old. Never.

Have a beautiful day my friends…