Are you a good listener? Do you have to be right?

I am taking a counseling class and had to write a paper on skills that I have learned from a few of the chapters. One of the main topics in nonverbal communications. If you really think about it, there are many of us who check our phones when someone is speaking to us. I stopped dead in my tracks one night when I was having a conversation with my husband. I was checking my phone and putting on lipstick! How rude was that. Was I sending a message to him that I was not really interested in what he had to say? Well, after 39 years of marriage to me I am sure he knows that I am a mulit-tasker🤦‍♀️. And, you know I have written a blog entirely to that topic. My father-in-law hates when we pull out our phones and I completely understand. It is rude. Anyway, I want to talk about improving our listening skills. Yes, one of the chapters in my class covered listening skills and the importance of our nonverbal messages and it has been heavy on my mind.

I have been watching myself and realizing that I could use a refresher course in becoming a much better listener. We miss so much to life when we do not actively listen to others. Watch yourself and make sure that you are fully engaged with the person that is speaking. It is mind blowing to check out your nonverbal communication skills.

There are five key active listening techniques we can use to help you become a more effective listener:

Pay Attention

Give the person your undivided attention and acknowledge the message. Recognize that non-verbal communication also "speaks" loudly! Very very important.

Look at the person directly.

Put aside distracting thoughts, such as JUDGMENT.

Don't mentally prepare a rebuttal! Oh, I am so good at this😒.

Avoid being distracted by environmental factors. For example, side conversations.

"Listen" to the person's body language

Show That You're Listening

Use your own body language and gestures to show that you are engaged.

Nod occasionally.

Smile and use other facial expressions.

Make sure that your posture is open and interested.

Encourage the person speaking to continue with small verbal comments like yes, and "uh huh."

Provide Feedback

Our personal filters, assumptions, judgments, and beliefs can distort what we hear. As a good listener, our role is to understand what is being said. This may require us to reflect on what is being said and to ask questions.

Reflect on what has been said by paraphrasing. "What I'm hearing is... ," and "Sounds like you are saying... ," are great ways to reflect back.

Ask questions to clarify certain points. "What do you mean when you say... ." "Is this what you mean?"

Summarize the comments periodically.

Tip: If you find yourself responding emotionally to what someone said, say so. And ask for more information: "I may not be understanding you correctly, and I find myself taking what you said personally.

Defer Judgment! This is huge!

Interrupting is a waste of time. It frustrates the person and limits full understanding of the message.

Allow the person to finish each point before asking questions. I promise to practice.

Don't interrupt with counter arguments.

Respond Appropriately

Active listening is designed to encourage respect and understanding. You are gaining information and perspective. You add nothing by attacking the speaker or otherwise putting her down. Ask questions!

Be candid, open and honest in your response.

Assert your opinions respectfully.

Treat the other person in a way that you think they would want to be treated! My mom would say this all the time!

One thing I remember a podcast several years ago, is you do not have to be right. Stop to think about that statement. Do not keep arguing. You can have you opinion. Do keep at it. YOU DO NOT HAVE TO PROVE you are right.

Full Fall is here and the changing of the leaves is so beautiful. Get outdoors when it is possible. Nature does wonders. Make you a cup of hot chocolate and read a good book by a fire. Sit in the sun by a window.

Football is well into the season, and Thanksgiving is creeping up on us! Time to make plans for the holidays. Use some nature on your table! I am planning to use some fir branches and more rosemary. Have fun. Even if you are having a buffet, sit where you want, and plastic ware. Use some nature on your napkin rolled up plastic ware! Or, us on tables.